Surprisingly,I'm more and more passive lately and numb.I'm not actually sure if this is a good or a bad thing.I'm happy because caring too much is one of my major downside in life.It sucks when sometimes people just take you for granted or worse mistakenly understood you. One of my secret pain is just watching people that I actually care about move and not talking to each other anymore. I've come to a point where I'm almost not willing to open up to anyone... almost trusting no one.I use to be the person comfortable talking about my old boring life then one day...here I am too tired to talk or even think about it anymore.Well,people change.Probably because of OLD AGE.But I'm far from menopausal,yet... But I don't want to depress myself with these thoughts.It's not actually the reason why I'm writing this.I wrote these things to remind myself someday that things eventually get better.Indeed,everything is temporary,even SPIDER MAN and SUPERMAN'S super powers and costumes! Well,I've never heard or seen a super hero really happy so I think being one probably sucks. At least they get to keep their costumes,popularity and money I suppose. Kidding aside,It really took me so much time getting where I am now...well it's weekend and traffic!I can't obviously fly to the office! Oh,I'm talking about my life journey.Yes,It took me a while and that's a surprising accomplishment for me to be here at this very moment. I've never thought I can ever get at this point of my life considering how many times I've thought of ending my life when I was younger.An incomparable joy that I've never felt over the years. I believe EVERYTHING happened in my life is for the BEST.I know it's a cliche but believe me,I finally realized I should be thankful for everything that ever happened to me.They made ME.That is why I'm a looser.No,actually an incredible amazing looser! Most times,I admit when I stop and confront myself about how I'm really doing,there's this sadness and explainable pain.Like thousands of needles shot through my heart.BUT...these are just my initial feelings when I try to confront myself without thinking about it thoroughly.This happens when everything's just based on feelings without logical reasoning involved.I tend to feel like a major looser but I never stop confronting myself.In fact,I talk a lot to myself until I feel better as opposed to others who go out or needed audience when going through difficult times.Well,we deal with our own shits in different ways.Mine happens to be between me and myself with ink and paper as my companion.Recently,I upgraded my diary to my laptop.I maybe a looser but I'm not too poor.Okay,I'm poor.I'm using someone else' laptop and our office computer for this.Guilty. I will not stop writing until I'm settled.I will write everything til the last thought in my head is written.And when I pour everything,I reread what I've wrote and try to reason out in a more understanding way.At the end of the day,I feel huge relief and thankfulness in my heart that I can't even explain how that happened.I'm really extremely thankful how life can get crazy at times. Good news is I am in control over most things.It all starts in the mind.It's mind over matter I heard people say lots of times and it's true! There are feelings that are complicated enough to single out.Yes,I have those crazy weird feelings and thoughts all mixed up in my head that no one can ever understand making me weirder than I already am.
Bottom line is I have to chose my thoughts carefully because they will eventually become my actions.Also,one incredible thing I can confidently say at this point of my life is things do really happen for a good reason.Unless,you have no reason to live then that's considered depression.Go see a psychiatrist.You need help. There is a time for everything it says in the book of Ecclesiastes. Others say trust no one but yourself but I think that's a very sad life to be not trusting and skeptic.I think trusting a person first is better.How will you know if you never tried? Usually, I lose a friend not over a cat fight though because first of all I don't even like cats.I'm more into dogs and second,I don't claw people when I'm pissed off.I punch them in the face with a flying kick.Okay,enough of my fantasy. My point is,at times I feel sad when I lose contact to people because probably my phone was taken by a snatcher!Oops,sorry.Need to point that out.But what I'm trying to say is we are behaviorally changing organism.I don't have any proof of that but that's according to my drunk neighbor.Sorry,got distracted again with noisy neighbors.At some point,people HAS TO moved on with their lives because it's just how it is.People come and go.In my case,when someone leaves,usually someone takes over. But this year, it felt like everyone are leaving and I'm here stuck.Well,I gain so much weight so I can't move fast.It's too tiring when you weigh more than you're not supposed to weigh according to some crappy magazines and some perv guy from a basement somewhere who get to demand people to vote for the world's sexiest woman! On a serious note, I'm at a certain point in my life where it's too hard to just open up to anyone already.I learned it the hard way. I grow older,obviously.No one gets younger each year,unless you under go some series of medical help then well,doctor made the impossible possible.Good for you for the next five years and after that,good luck with the after glow! Going back,the more I feel less comfortable surrounded by a crowd because well,it's crowded.To cut story short,I'm old. I was asked by younger ones to take selfie with them so they can boast how young they look! Have you ever experienced taking a photo with someone and you look shitty but they just hit like to make it look like it's acceptable for PLASTIC'S sake?! Okay,where are we?! I obviously drifted again.Pardon me. To all people who keep on wondering why I'm still on my own getting weirder and weirder, I'm still in search with food...Oops,I mean this thing called "connection" I can have with someone that will last a lifetime.I'm not referring to wifi though.I haven't found anyone yet where everything is comfortable.I have few friends for now that I feel comfortable in some ways.Well,I'm thankful I'm constantly surrounded by friends of different personalities that makes life so exciting for me.But what I am in search for is someone I can connect my soul with.Don't worry,I'm not on suicidal mode.On the contrary,I'm feeling great! I'm referring to someone who shares the same passion I have.That person I can talk without wanting to end our conversation.Apparently,the last person who shared the same passion as mine died 50 years ago so that clears everything.Stop asking why I'm on my own for the sake of the dead people! Maybe I'm just holding on to a fairy tale or impossible -ever- to- happen -stuff.That's what I get for watching and reading too many Disney stuffs. I don't know,Or could it be the reason why I'm on my own because I was too stubborn enough and very specific with what I wanted? Also,to point the obvious I was born arousing so much desire among NO ONE.It's one of those blessings that I didn't get so...deal with it! For some reason,I'm a believer that there's this someone.I just don't know how to meet that person and I'm hoping I'll meet that person sooner.People who lasts long in a relationship usually have that kind of thing as their baseline with someone. I don't care be a lover or a friend, just that person that I can totally bare my soul with and be totally comfortable with all of me.Where I don't worry about the long silence or if I need to say something to keep things going.Or a person that I don't need to impress and entertain so they don't get bored.Just that person where I can just be with and we sit together for hours and we're just comfortable.Most of all,a person who's not legally married because I'm not a big fan of "THE OTHER WOMAN". Does such thing exists? Do they exist?I haven't read those in books or anything.It's just that's what I wanted.That's the one thing I wanted to have and I will never stop looking.If not,then I settle on my own terms. I'm actually happy. This feeling of having friends but not emotionally enslaved to them is refreshing. You just need one person. You don't need a lot and you're good.Unless you're going somewhere,you need more friends for a cheaper travel.My advise.Take it for free.You're welcome! So I guess, the lesson is to stop regretting everything that already happened because it will not do me anything good. No matter how sad and painful it is,I'm still thankful for the experience. After all, people have their own lives to live and worry about.It's not always all about me.The fact that one or two people get to remember me from time to time is enough to consider myself blessed because..well..I have a bad memory.I have troubles with memorization.Also,I remember people through my heart.Okay,through their name tags! I cannot rely much on my eyesight specially if I don't have my eye glasses on. Well,I can assure you It's not due to old age.It's the ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD RADIATION.I don't have any idea what that is.. I never run out of good people who makes life better and better for me.Well, one of my life motto is...
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This happens when I try to rest my mind but I keep thinking and I seem to keep remembering what I have been thinking and I ended writing them.
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