So. This is not something I'd ever imagine to talk openly and post it online ever but I'm compelled to write once and for all.I have encountered lots of times people wondering and curious if I have ever fallen in love or if I was ever in a relationship? Am I too picky? Do I have high standards or maybe I am a LESBIAN considering my feminine side is almost not evident except when I suffer from my monthly period and that was the time people know I'm a female. Some are considerate enough not to ask me directly so as not to offend me and I appreciate it. When people ask bout my love life,I usually just laugh it off to sound like it was nothing serious but to be honest I feel so affected at the end of the day. The real deal is this... I would like to remind everyone that I have a heart too just in case people forgot.Believe it or not,it is so vulnerable to falling in love easily but I'm just so good in pretending for the sake of decency.Also,I keep falling in love to people I shouldn't fall in love with.
Seriously who doesn't fall in love at all?! I fall in love almost easily to anything such as dust or cloud formations,to eyebrow shape and color,to music, coffee, the beautiful sunset.If I fall for those easily,what made you think I have never fall in love to am ever? Made me think how society think as a whole.If you are different and not usually within what's common or natural socially and you don't conform then you are either weird or worse abnormal according to their generalized social guidelines. I'm actually relieved to be in this position because I can have a better view from the outside of this heavy expectation on what's acceptable or not. I learned that whatever you do,whether you conform to society norms or not you will always be judged.People will always have an opinion of you no matter how much you tried to be at peace with everyone,there will always be someone who just don't like you.So my advice,just follow your arrow and be where you feel like you should be. Going back,I'm going to answer the question directed at me once and for all... No,I have never been into a serious relationship.I had one short fling when I was younger but I ended it three months after because I value my self.I cannot be that girl a man can just treat as his past time,have sex with and leave her with his sperm taking her dignity with him.I was young and inexperienced at that time but I am not stupid.Thank God I grew up with just my brothers so I'm trained to identify men who just want my body and not want a committed relationship.So technically,I am a member of " no boyfriend since birth club" .Probably co founder of the club and the reason is obvious -I am not the person that one can just easily fall in love with. Well,there were few men who tried but I' m so weird around men so I just send them away.I don't even know how to respond to a compliment properly.Thanks to my brothers who made fun of me when we were younger so I never really have any idea how to be lady like and natural specially around someone I really have a crush on. When I was in high school,I would rather play boyish games and arm wrestle with boys than be the girl who spent so much time on make up and skirts or dresses.In short,I was a man in a girls body. But secretly,in freshman year I've secretly fallen in love with Richard.I melt when he smiles at me specially when his cute dimples shows up. I liked him a lot but I'm sure he'll never like a boyish stupid girl in long shorts and baggy pants so I distanced myself from him.I left high school with my feelings for him unsettled.I hated my last memory of him because he passed by our house,waved at me sweetly and blow me a goodbye kiss and that was the last time I've ever seen or heard about him. But I had few girl crushes in high school but it was nothing compared to the crazy irritating feeling I have for Richard.Does that make me bisexual? Label me then and judge me for it. In college,I was having more and more crushes both men and women.Actually I have fancied more women than men.I'm so weird and snub so men in general were scared to approach me.I'm a social dork and I just don't fit the normal girl that I guy would fall for so either I shoo them away or they were scared to come near me. Then I met Kurt.He had such beautiful expressive eyes.We became friends but on our second year,truth was revealed.He was being extra nice to me because he wanted me to introduce him to some guy in my other class.Apparently,he's gay.It hurts but I really laughed so hard looking back for being so stupid not to notice it at all. Then I left school.I started working.My world is limited to people I've worked with,church mates,and some I met in camps.I still fancied lots of women in general and some men,mostly taken so I have to secretly keep feelings to myself.So far,all the men I fancied hard were either dating someone or they were already in secure relationships.At one point,I fancied a married man to the point that I can imagine myself willing to be the other woman! That didn't happen because my thoughts are stronger than my libido. Then I met Owen,I cannot stop thinking about him but I figured he was just trying to be a nice brother.We were in Christian camp were all men were really nice and godly so it means he's just being nice to me as a "brother" apparently. I kept my distance from him before my libido gets in or else I will court him and that would be the end of my dignity! A year after,I met Mark in the same camp I was a year ago where I've met Owen.This time,I'm sure I'm starting to fall in love with him.Gosh,I love every bit of him.His smile,his life experience,his NOT SO FUNNY JOKES.I remember my friend cringing on the side of Mark's not-so-funny-jokes and for some reason I find him hilarious.Ah those are the days! I remember I laugh the loudest.I cannot hold my feelings for him so I opened up to my closest friend and from that day forward,they always made fun of me whenever Mark was around making me so nervous and uncomfortable at the same time "kinikilig" Admittedly,I kinda love it when they tease me around and he on the other hand has no idea what's happening.To cut the story short,I was secretly in love with him for 7 years! I tried so hard to look and act feminine as much as I can around him perhaps he'll noticed me but no,he never did! I got tired and I realized,I'm not comfortable ever if I'm trying so hard to distort my image just so he will like me.I gave up and distance my self from him.I have to force myself to forget about him.I did after 7 years! Not a long isn't it?! Oh hail to my mighty heart! Well,that hurts so I started to get busy on other stuff.I cut all my communication with him and erased his phone number.I'm certain it's not out of bitterness but just to help myself recover because it's going crazy.When friends try to tease me around about him or feed me with updates,I just pretend I don't have any care in the world so eventually they will stop talking about him.I honestly feel relieved I seem to not care about him anymore.Well,that's what I thought not when two years ago,for some reason a close friend of ours on FB liked his post of him getting married sooner.I have no idea what happened because all those feelings I have for him returned flooding me and It hurts all the more when I saw he got married! I awkwardly cried,and wanted to die! That was the hardest unrequited love I've ever been into at that time. So you see,if you think I'm being picky and prude or whatever,I'm not just too femme enough to fit the normal ideal image of a woman.Perhaps the question is when can a man noticed me with a genuine feeling or attraction? Apparently,I'm men repellent.I've met this guy who fancied her a lot but she just don't like him.She chose the other guy that we both don't like in the beginning and married him too! Anyway,unknown to her I develop feelings to her suitor.Can you believe how mt life sucks,I'm born for it and UNREQUITED is my middle name. First off,the guy is really good looking.I call him Tart.Actually he belongs to a big family and all of them are good looking.I have the biggest respect and adoration to his father because he treats me like his own daughter.Thankfully,Tart inherited his father's gentleness. He is good looking but to be honest,It wasn't his looks that attracted me.It was his gentleness and tenderness to women in general.He was a born gentleman. I've seen him treat women randomly and I wanted to kiss him right on out of admiration.He is being protective to his sisters.He treats them with so much love and affection and I fall for him instantly.I was close to one of his sisters and cousin.I sometimes spent time with them so I get to observe him.He is a man of few words and a very passionate man.I wanted to be his wife and I wish I can be his future wife! But here's the cliche,he was in love to my closest friend but it was unrequited because my close friend fancied someone else so he remained single till now looking after his father and younger siblings. He never had any girlfriend despite girls swarming around him.After being turned down by my friend,I never heard of anyone he ever dated.Now,he's still single.As much as I wanted him so much,sad to say I'm not that woman he can ever fall in love with ever.So I guess this is another unrequited love and will just wait till he gets married. So to mend my broken heart,I distance myself from people and friends. To distract myself from this sadness and heartache,I started having regular chat with a former churchmate named Mike.He is engaged at that time and we were catching up on regular basis.For some reason,I trust him enough and open up my secret struggle to him as he opened up to me too.Turned out he still love an old flame but since that girl never loved him back,he decided to just start a relationship and marry a very good friend of his.Then I'm such an emotional wreck because I started falling in love with him.I freaked out and avoided talking to him in a while. So you see,I'm such an easy vulnerable girl. It's been years since the last time I talked to him and I simply don't want us to reconnect for obvious reasons. So far he's the last guy I've fallen in love with.That's also the reason that I rarely have guy friends because I keep falling in love with them secretly. I'm sure anyone reading this will think how stupid I am but well,it happened. “Have you ever felt love? Did you need scientific proof of this? How would you have definitively and scientifically proved your love existed? If you could not prove it, would that mean your love didn’t exist? What would you trust: your own feelings, or science? ” — Derrick Jensen So... People are not asking me the right questions.The real deal is will there ever be someone who is meant for me? Or who can see me differently? Or should I keep falling in love to people that I shouldn't fall for. Loving someone who doesn't love you in return is like trying to fly with a broken wing. Am I prude? Do I have high standards?Have I ever fallen in love? I'm just weird and unnatural.Not the typical woman that any man can be attracted at. Am I LESBIAN? Is this a racial question because you are racist.No,I'm LEBANESE. My name is Glow My middle name is Unrequited My last name is Love Now,I hope I made that clear so now leave me alone with a coffee and banana bread.Also,shut the door when you leave will you.
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This happens when I try to rest my mind but I keep thinking and I seem to keep remembering what I have been thinking and I ended writing them.
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