So today,I just wanted to share something I wrote in my diary.It's very long because they are random and pretty much about anything I can think of the moment. Last night,I went home and wasted the next 3-4 hours trying to figure out some settings,apps and features on my phone that I can't understand all at once instead of sleeping.Well,I guess this is reality that I have to embrace.No matter how much I love to still be in the past free from the crazy TRANSFORMERS IRON MAN ERA,I can't just be the same because things change and I have to somehow catch up some basic skills.I have to update myself with gadgets and computers to be able to connect and relate with others specially at work and some online services.Because today,services are mostly machine operated and if I don't want to adopt,then I shouldn't be here in the city in the first place.So to be able to survive each day,I have to be at least knowledgeable to some basic skills so I at least know I exist in the same world. Well,I don't need a high end phone it's just that my laptop is good as trash.We have internet connection sitting at home unused and we can't cut it off because we are on bond for two years.So I just thought of having a high end phone that I can use for my blogs and online activities since I can't afford a laptop yet.Turns out that the more I update myself,the harder it gets.I got the phone FINALLY which is cool right.Unfortunately,I still have the option to buy the accessories for it If I want to protect and preserve it longer! It's a bit insulting because I don't have any accessory at all! I just owned almost five years wardrobe of jeans and shirts but for some reason I have to buy this phone an accessories to protect it from being scratched,physical damage or worse internal damage?! I have to get some screen protector,some back protector,a pouch to protect it from.I was so scared that one of these days,I'm also one of those virtual slaves.Well,I'm free and no one owns me but now,I think the internet is a higher unconscious form of slavery. I think,technology age is one of the best things ever develop in history but same time,the worse and Einstein was a genius because he knew it all along.Turns out he was right!This is just one issue that I have to deal with in this lifetime. I JUST DON'T GET IT When I bought my new phone,it's like buying a to-go - cute puppy who lives in my bag or pocket.Just as I thought my expenses ended right after I purchase the phone,well apparently it didn't.I have to accesorize it to protect it from being physically and internally damaged. I have to buy screen protector to avoid scratching it.Next,I have to buy a backcase for protection too.After which,I have to buy memory card so It can hold my files.I have to install anti virus program to protect from possible software attack.Then of course a pouch.Gosh,the expenses goes on and on.Good thing,I'm not into gaming.Or else I'm forced to purchase stuff online.But well,I can avail free versions as long as I have installed and secure internet connection. This is the technology age,welcome and enjoy! I think this is one of the biggest and riches business in the world today.Technology that's linked to gadgets such as laptops,phones,ipods,tablet,phablet that's link to social media where the software companies earn money.How is everything complicated today? I wish I could go back to the time where everything is mostly simple but well,I have no choice but to learn as much as possible but doesn't mean I can't live my life the simpler way. SAFENESS What is safe today.We are not only dealing with virtual harm but also simple things that can harm us.Well,is there any place today that we can be really so sure we are safe and free from harm? Back in the day when I'm in elementary,we use white chalk and a blackboard.Few years ago,someone came up with the idea and convince everyone that the dust particles from the chalk is health threatening.Then whiteboard was introduced.However,the problem is they said it's also hazardous due to it's ink content.And now,they said exposure to lead and mercury are dangerous specially to kids because it affects their mental health. Now can someone tell me what is safe today? I'm not even sure if these ideas were genuine or they did to promote one product after the other.We now use power point presentation.We use computers and videos in our reports in school and parents were complaining of their kids extreme exposure to internet weakens the eye and the health also due to non physical activities anymore. So,is there really something safe today? INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING,WHY NOT BE JUST THANKFUL FOR THE THINGS I HAVE Well,you see just to exist is very challenging.You have to start your day thinking of your schedule.What to eat.What to do.What to wear.Which underwear matches your outfit.What to accomplish.What attitude.Just that the moment I open my eyes each day,it's like billion thoughts comes to mind and there are billion possibilities.And they said,it all starts in the mind and sometimes I'm either just to tired to choose.Scared or afraid.That when I started to chose one negatively,all throughout the day it's more likely negative too. And how could one not be insane with all these choices each day faced alone?! If I don't get to talk to others.If I didn't get to experience comfort from people and nature,then I guess I have been long dead or maybe mentally ill.Thank God for the balance he created in this world.One thing I'm grateful the most that he ever gave to human next to love is PASSION.To be able to do things that I'm passionate about heals me internally and that I manage to exist in this crazy world. I'm passionate about things that by just writing my thoughts makes me feel better and so alive! So,I think if there's one thing I can do each day,that is to choose something positive the moment I open my eyes so I can also bring positivism everywhere I go to people who chose the other way around.I have no idea how deep each and everyone's shit are each day.All I know is I'm just way blessed enough.They said don't compare yourself to others but if this is just one thing I can do to remind me how blessed I am rather than complaining too much of the things I don't have then I think,I will not hesitate to compare.But if this is something that makes me so bitter and so small and worthless then I guess they are right for me to turn around. WHERE SHOULD I GO FROM HERE.... Things that I'm thankful about.That's where I should focus.I wish I lose more weight.I wish I have curvy body.I wish I have beautiful eye color.I have desired to change every bit of me because of what I see around me.Through technology such as social media,tv shows and movies,I'm starting to redefine myself of what's beautiful according to how the world sees beauty. I feel so ashamed for wanting this for myself.I feel so ashamed for not appreciating what I have.While I complain about that lots of people wanted to at east gain a bit of weight because a certain disease is eating their health.When I don't like my food,there are some people who are willing to eat maggots and worms just to avoid dying from starvation.While I complain about being single ,lots of people would love to be in my place specially those sold as sex slaves.While I complain how ugly my hair and skin looks,lots of people wish they have hair to grow and comb at least normal skin to feel.While I complain how crappy my internet connection is and how rubbish the service,there are some people who don't even get to see a tv or a computer or a phone. While I complain about being alone,I've got friends and workmates I can talk to each day.While I complain about the cold and the rain,there are parts of the world who don't even get to experience it.While I complain more often how I look ,there are some out there who wish they can at least have their sight so they can see themselves in the mirror.Or there are some who simply don't want to look at their face due to bad cuts or wounds or anything that might remind them of harshness and cruelty. Isn't it shameful how I wanted so much while some are even thankful despite me being privileged than them in many ways.I should count my blessings if I can.I think there's too much! WHAT GOOD DOES IT GIVE ME IF I FOCUS ON ALL THE NEGATIVITY ...
I get to compare myself and my country to first world countries.I follow people on tumblr.I'm well expose to social media.I love watching American,British,Canadian,Korean and Bollywood movies.I can't help at times but compare and wonder how come their livestyle seemed way advanced than us.The things I see each day in social media sometimes makes me so small and too poor. When people talk about travelling from one country to another even if they are working students, It really amazes me how they do it.In general,European countries live like they are so focus on their goal and they just do everything to make their dreams a reality.For me,It seemed that they have an aggressive culture as compared to ours that teaches them to go and pursue their dreams and passion.In general,it felt like they are way matured and confident in life.It's like they know life ahead of me even if I'm 10 years older than them.They are more accomplished.Well travelled.They are more outspoken.They are more financially secure.How come,a student in a first world country can afford a car,an apartment,parties on week ends,shopping almost everyday while a working person in this country with a higher position can't even sometimes afford a car? One might say it's self discipline but even the most financially disciplined person I've ever know can't. Also,how come we are categorize as first to third world country.But I only get to hear FIRST WORLD and THIRD WORLD.What happened to second world? Is it where the SHAMANS live? Or is it where Kate Beckinsale lives? Maybe,I was so right or maybe too wrong.Maybe I just see that side because we are so financially challenged.I live in a country where sometimes just eating three times a day is impossible even if both parents are working.Last night,I was watching news and the reporter said there's a PRICE HIKE TO MOST BASIC NEEDS due to increase in Diesel price.It affected factories and production hence there's fare hike.In effect,there's a huge effect on basic consumer needs.Everything's up except OUR SALARY.I was suppose to buy a carrot the other day and to my surprise,a small piece of carrot cost ten pesos.I threw it on the street and ran away for my life! Just kidding.I just can't afford just eating three pieces of carrots is equivalent to a regular family meal. I don't usually watch the news anymore for this reason.Everyday,most of the news content are just NEGATIVITY.It's very rare that we get to hear good news.ANd when I say good news,most of it has something to do with Kris Aquino's messy and dramatic love life.Manny Pacquiao and his mom's whatever they are called and loads of crappy celebrity gimmicks.Also for almost a year,they are feasting on THE PORK BARREL SCAM which I'm not sure what to feel anymore.Is it something to be happy about or is it something to be sad about because too much time,effort,money,coverage and attention had been given to this case like I understand this is very important because this is one of the biggest senate and congress scandal this country has ever faced but I think,it's too much already and it's giving me headache.I would rather watch a crappy tv show and celebrity gossip than just staring at my tv knowing where my taxes this past few months have been going.I don't even want to go into detail because well,what good does it do to me? Instead of focusing on the downside that will make me more depress ,I chose to do the things I love instead to inspire me live each day happier. THE THINGS I DON'T HAVE AND CAN'T HAVE HEIGHT.SEXINESS.FEMINITY.These are three things that I can't do anything but just to accept.Also smooth shiny hair and TEETH are two of the things about me that I'm bothered the most.I can do something about them at times but ,I tried so hard but it will just stay for a while and will get back to bad hair day.But for some reason,if I was blessed with those three things I don't think I'm here.I think I was somewhere also I supposed with kids.But I'm glad for some reason because I can't imagine myself being a mom at this point of my life.Well,this is still negotiable. Hahaha.Hahaha The funny thing is despite my simplicity in my lifestyle,I also have my secret wants and most definitely my insecurities specially in fashion and the lists above are just few of them.How could I not be insecure when it seems that everybody today looks beautiful and awesome.Well,thanks to cosmetologists,dermatologist and plastic surgeons.It's really hard to spot which are genetically born beautiful.Apparently,you can buy physical beauty these days.But I'm glad,so far decency and morality is still not up for sale.Maybe pretentiousness but it don't usually stay longer because true colors are always revealed. For some reason I get attracted to simple beauty.A guy who is usually so neat and clean turns me off for some reason.Well,I don't fall in love to guys who seemed like they never took shower in years.What I'm trying to say is I just love a guy who's not so concerned on his hair gel or shoes or outfit.I just fall for a guy who's strong and passionate and just street smart.That is why I'm single because maybe those guys don't exists anymore. I fall in love to women who are just naturally beautiful.In general,I'm just old fashioned.From time to time,I admire women who knew how to dress up or to pull such amazing make ups.I admire models.I watch VS and Runway.I sometimes watch Tyra Banks.I grab fashion magazines and also judge the photo's of models on them according to how they look and what they were wearing.Sometimes,the editing is so obvious that parts of their bodies are misplaced in the photos. I get insecure to STRONG PERSONALITIES WITH HEAVY MAKE UPS AND BITCHY STUNTS.I get insecure being with a fashion conscious person.I can't be myself hanging with a person who's obsessed with taking photo of their own.It annoys me to bits.That is why I'm usually always home.No one would love hanging out with me because I'm soooo booriiing to hang out with and also,I'm also too lazy to go outside.But I love travelling.I'm not a party type person.I'm old fashioned really. I also suffer from envy a lot.This is what happens when I have access to social media.I desire things just because I saw them in facebook.I saw old classmates who seemed well accomplish in their careers.I get to see a peak of their status each day and I become envious.There are some who just loves boasting about their travels.Those who kills a little bit of me through their love life.There are some who boast about which dinning places they go or what they did over the weekend or what parties they were up to.But huge part of the posts annoys me so much.But at the end of the day,maybe it annoys me because it made me bitter and envious at some point.Sad isn't it how my brain can sometimes shut my own body. IT JUST HAPPENED SO CALM DOWN INSTEAD OF STRESSING OUT MORE.... A while ago,due to my phone,I left the house really late and it was starting to rain.So to save myself from getting late as I'm aiming to end the month with perfect reliability at work,I took a cab.Unfortunately,the cab runs like an 80 year old man.Also,I got so pissed off because the driver took the wrong route.Instead of passing in front of SM he just went straight through the road and it pissed me off how DUMB he was for saying he don't know where SM or Robinson's mall is! It's obvious that he's playing delayed tactics to to add up my bill.I'm so pissed off that I wanted to scream to his face for getting me stuck in a traffic and possibly getting me late for work.And I come to my senses,well we are already here and I'm almost late.What good is it for me to stress over and be angry.What's done is done.If I'm gonna shout at the driver,he might do something unpleasant.And good enough,I came in on time for work! Also,I apologized to him before getting out and paid him 20 pesos more extra instead of hating him for what he did.He also said sorry. It's just that in life,there are things meant to happen and you can't do something about it.There are also things that happen so you can learn your lesson.With what happened today,I learn my lesson.To get up earlier.Actually,that's not the issue.To shun off online when preparing for work and to come 30 minutes earlier. So to wrap my long thougts for today,you see just to exist is complicated.That would explain why people are needing more and more counselling line.That would explain the increasing number of depression and suicide.Because we live in a world where the demands are piling up.We live in a society where it keeps telling us to love ourself and be a standout but at the end of the day,we don't because things that surrounds us mostly strip us from loving ourselves. I don't think loving yourself is the problem today.I think to center self love as your motivation in life is selfish and sad.The happiest people I've met are those who know sacrifice.The people who know how to live for others.Those who look forward each day to make someone happy as others do the same thing to them.So far,the happiest people I've encountered are those who talks about their family and friends so passionately that you wanted to be part of their lives. At work,I get the chance to talk to working moms and I've noticed how their eyes light up everytime they talk about their kids.They are so happy when they pass by a shop and buy things for their love ones.Their happiness is someone's happiness.And imagine yourself being kind and loving towards others and they return the favor to you doubled? I know that because I have been observing some people in my life.Last year,I've spent few months where I did everything for myself.At first,I was so happy but it never really stayed longer.At the end of the day,there's this loneliness and sadness in my heart still. But when I did something for people I love,the joy I feel is incomparable and it's just preserve in my memory that everytime I remember,It makes me smile and happy. So part of being alive each day is trying to reflect and relearn.Lessons in life changes from time to time.It's like reading the same bible passage every single day and having different interpretaion each day.Self love is good if your confidence is down the drain.Self love is good when you feel so ugly about all of you.But if you hated yourself because you just simply wanted to be as sexy as Kim Kardashian or be like Shakira or Beyonce then I think self love is not the problem.It's HYPNOTISM! Get back to the real world my dear! Also,I think you can learn from most things if you pay attention.Even to the things that annoys you.It actually sometimes reflect who you are just like my attitude towards the driver and also at work earlier.When I read posts online and I cringe or utter cruel words as my initial reaction and I feel like it's nonsense and stupid It helps me remind myself not to do it.I learn from things that annoys me.I learn from other people.At same time they are the reason why I'm a working progress. I use to agree in every quote on tumblr about self love and self assurance.As I come to realize,it's not applicable to most.The problem today is we have a culture that's so loud that we don't know how to meditate anymore.We are more concern of how to caption our photo's on instagram rather than just telling the person you're with how awesome they look.How come we talk more to people who are not with us than the people we actually are with each day? How come internet connection bothers us more than personal connection with our love ones? How come a phone or a laptop is considered the most prized possesion these days more than food and water or maybe air.I have heard lots of teens saying they can't live without their phones but that's obviously lie.That's what they thought and want to believe.In reality,all of us can't live without air! Next to water and food and sleep. So I just thought of writing all these random thoughts I have today and surprisingly,turns out I have so much to write.I was off tumblr for three days so I can focus on my blog and yeah,I ended writing this.So this will serve as a reminder to myself too. Well,part of being alive is to be able to live to appreciate being alive. It's easy for me to speak but it's actually hard when you're in the situation.I'm one of those who's struggling really with it too.Like today,I've spent hours and hours writing these thoughts when I can acutally talk to my mates while on avail.Well,they are busy surfing the net too.Also,some sleeping.
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This happens when I try to rest my mind but I keep thinking and I seem to keep remembering what I have been thinking and I ended writing them.
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