"Homosexuality still isn't completely accepted, in many places and in the hearts of many people it is still an exotic and frightening abnormality. In the midst of that this scene works as a political statement driving home its message louder than Povedilla's love-is-love speech in the face of the Catholic church. Homosexuality is just like any other sexuality, it is hot, it is urgent, it is personal, it is silly, it is playful, it is mundane and it seldom works out the way we had planned. The only difference is how and with who we go about finding release, the concept, the emotional process of getting there on the other hand (pun totally intended), is always the same. Seeing that acknowledged on a mainstream show is making me feel a joy and a hope that burns almost as bright as their on-screen passion.... MAY THE PEPSI FORCE TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE! I would like to extend my biggest thanks to the numerous blogs online and to everyone who really took time and effort to translate,upload and write about these two wonderful characters in the universal language.My deepest thanks to PEPSI University,an online blog composed of the smartest,funniest and most devoted bloggers online. To me,they are not "just tv characters" but they have made me discover lots of beautiful things.They have made me believe in the beauty of love.They made me met wonderful people online.They were an instant therapy for more than a year.They have brought me so much life specially on my shittiest days. I couldn't even explain how could a clip on youtube of two ladies speaking in Spanish where I totally do not understand what they were talking about had taken all my attention the first time I've watched such a short clip.Before I even realized,I have acquired PEPSILVACIOUS SYNDROME.No regrets though.
I have million reasons why I love them so much! Below are few of the main reasons that comes to mind why they were literally my favorite couple who represented gay couple on tv.The amount of times I have watched it is ridiculous.The more I watch the videos over and over again,the more I see reasons of being obsessed with them.
1) BEST SCREEN CHEMISTRY It felt so natural.The way they stare at each other.The way they touch or communicate is so natural.Believe me,I have watched lots of TV shows and somehow no one measures up the the onscreen chemistry these ladies have (along side Rizzoli and Isles and I can't think Straight).I absolutely love their chemistry because they bring out the best in each other.Everything felt natural and real! 2) OOZING HOTNESS A super model and a very talented actress combined! I love Pepa's badass character.(I guess,I always fell in love with that character Like Jane in Rizzoli and Isles) I love her loooong legs.I love her fierce eyes! (no doubts why she's a model) but I fell in love more with Silvia's beauty.Marian Aguilera has an angelic face.In all her scenes,I think that moment when she winked at Pepa is my fave! I'm so fangirling of her wink.I think I'll have a heart attack if I get to see her wink at me.She's so cute.She's got very expressive eyes.She has a smile that can bring sunshine into a blue day.She's got kissable lips! I can't even define how simple yet elegant her beauty is.It doesn't matter what angle you caught her. Whether she's angry or crying or frowning,she's so beautiful! She's my new girl crush from showbiz alongside Audrey Hepburn.Plus in real life,a lot of Spanish bloggers were saying she keeps her life very private.They said she is very shy in person and that it's rare to see her on the head line.Her privacy includes not having a twitter or FB. She's the complete opposite of Laura who is very active in social media and also pretty much open to talk her personal life in public.Laura even do twitcams for her fans.She's also all over the news and is very comfortable in facing or dealing interviews.She's just one happy person just as Marian said in one of her interviews.Marian don't watch her own shows or movies but Laura does.In fact,she watches a lot of Spanish TV shows.I'm just lost.I just can't help it.The Pepsi Force is soooo compelling! 3) SCOPE OF THE STORY It's not a typical Lesbian show where somewhere in bar they got drunk,hit on each other and next thing they are making out.It's not like those other movies or shows I've watch where most of the gay characters has something to do with a painful past or an abusive husband.It was not like those young teen ages who were experimenting on their sexuality.It was not about promoting lesbianism but it's just pure love.Most of all,there was no infidelity involved.There might be an instance that Pepa slept with Aitor but that was when she got drunk and she was grieving of her fight with Silvia.Though the interruption between them was very annoying,at least it was very consistent.I mean,it look stupid but the writers might put it there for some reason.Like sort of to humor their viewers or to easily cut the scene perfectly without having to think how to end each scene. To my understanding and point of view as a viewer,Pepa might be the more dominant one in the relationship but it was Silvia who gave the first move by kissing Pepa.She was also the one who showed interest with her though she made clear to Pepa that she's not a lesbian but her action was telling something else.She was tensed when she first saw Pepa.She asked Pepa to stay when Pepa wanted to leave.She proposed to Pepa when they got back together.I love how the writers demonstrate pure love like there's no denomination involved unlike the other shows I watched.I mean that should make sense because two women decided to fall in love and just like what Pepa told Silvia,first she should not imagine having relationship to a woman but she should imagine having relationship to a person that she loved the most.So it's not about their sexuality but it's more of their choice to respond to what they feel.Their choice to have each other and I love how the writers put it that way.It's not about branding their character on who's more feminine or masculine.They just demonstrate a form of genuine love. 4) I LOVE THE SENSE OF HUMOR AND THE DIVERSE CASTS If my town had such cool Police officers,I guess the town would be in lesser danger.I know there were too many fail moments in the script but well,this was purposely for entertainment.I love how they come up with such character for the show.The Pepa and Silvia relationship alone was too funny like I can come up with many scenes that I laugh the most.I can remember Rita when she was invited by Pepa into a lesbian bridal shower party.She acted hilariously.I also found Don Lorenzo as annoying and arrogant but he was actually a funny one because no one can exactly tell what to expect from him,even her own daughter. I love Povedilla's role.I think he is the funniest of all alongside Curtis.He seemed dumb but when confronted by alarming situations,he's got the brightest idea.Not to mention he caught Silvia and Pepa kissing in shocked and not knowing what to do and think,he got himself injected with a high dosage for numbness plus he hit the door real hard.And oh, he almost shot Silvia when he was cleaning his gun. Curtis,the naive one who thought Pepa loved him for real.At least,he's got to kiss her plus he's got to be taken cared of by two of the hottest characters in the show.I don't know why they have his character like that of a clown in an amusement park plus he look like a guy from the 70's.Like Elvis Presley sort of thing.It was very hilarious as well when he pull up a stunt to impress Pepa not when he was shot 4 times for real.And he got a comma for that.It was a pity moment but every time I watch that scene,I can't help but laugh a lot. Paco,the leader who would do everything for his men.Well,at least in his case,who wouldn't when almost everyone in his precinct is either a family member or somehow related to him.So Filipino! I don't know how they manage to work as one because I think in real life,I'm not sure if that will work.He has the most complicated family relationships as well as the prison he's running. And of course who could ever forget LOLA? She might not be one of them but she played the most important role -the balancer of them all.She had the most relevant role [as discussed in Pepsi university] like we can come up with a "WWLD" campaign.She is the wife and the absorber of Paco's near death experiences.She is the sister and best friend of SILVIA.Her sister and brother and husband have been through a lot and she kept everyone on the ground specially her daughter Sara.The most painful part is when she chose to leave them and SILVIA was so lost.She lost both her sister ,mother and best friend until PEPA came.Pepa of course can't fill in LOLA'S role in their lives but at least for SILVIA they were each other's lola.Her role can't be ignored.She stayed in their lives at the most relevant time and left at the perfect time. 5)BEAUTIFULLY MESSED UP FAMILY First,when you just started watching one episode and you didn't finish everything,for sure you'll be so much confused.Like my initial reaction was "wait,I don't understand"...and then it took me a while to realize I've missed so much stuff.So Silvia is the sister of Paco's wife .She is the daughter of Don Lorenzo and the aunt of Sarah.She's the forensic expert of their prison.She's the ex wife of Lucas whom Sara fell in love with.Paco is the brother of Pepa who is the aunt of Sara.Therefore,Silvia and Pepa are in-laws.Silvia did have a relationship with Montoya as well.Aitor was in love with Sarah.Povedilla was the ex wife of Rita and Rita was in love with Montoya.Wow,what a whole mess they got there! They were really a complicated one! At least,they got personally involved in each others lives :0 The only thing that I hate and I think every fan out there hate is the killing of Silvia on the Wedding along with Montoya and other 2 characters.As in every one was in denial.Everyone hated the ending! Majority believed that Marian Aguilera (Silvia) didn't renew her contract for the 9th season.Some said,it is the only way to separate the two characters beautifully.Some said,it is a way to enhance Pepa's character as an officer instead of focusing on the lesbian part (somehow fair enough).Other's speculate it has something to do with the ratings. Well,we are not in Spain so no one knows what's the truth.As much as they were missed by the international fans,they don't count with the local ratings so they can't do much . As for me,I promise to stop myself from stalking the personal lives of what ever character I love on a specific show.I keep reminding myself to love them on whatever character they have portrayed but it should never go beyond that.I did some researching on Marian and Laura's other stuff online but everything was in Spanish so thank God.I stopped myself! ha ha This show had done me a lot of good favors.Literally it's been 3 weeks now and still I keep watching it over and over again.It has surpassed or exceed all the characters I have ever watch.I can't think of anything that can be taken into comparison.Like I use to think Bo-Lauren tandem is addicting.And so with Leyla and Tala as the hottest and best on screen chemistry (at least they were) but after watching Pepa and Silvia,they surpassed everyone and any tandem I have watched so far.It's like I was so full that I lost my appetite anymore to try other menus.I don't know what else is there .Still the only thing I can put in line with this is the friendship between Jane and Maura but I don't think it's fair to even compare them because obviously Jane and Maura are not in the same level of relationship as Pepa and Silvia.I love love love the show and it's my obsession as of now.... How I wish the show ended differently.Not a bloody wedding.How I wish both of them could be reincarnated and do the show again,this time longer.And because I'm still feeling euphoric and idyllic,I decided to have two letters both from Sylvia & Pepa's POV. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH I'm still here! A few months of watching it over and over and still I can't let go.So after a few months,I am one of the fans still suffering from PepaSilvacious Syndrome.An obsession to the best TV lesbian couple ever in the history of TV.Still one of those hunting for any news of them after all these years. The thing is I'm fully aware that they are just acting a scene or a script and it will just be for such a certain time.I understand that they also have bigger dreams and in order to be versatile,they needed to avoid being typed cast. I understand that if both of them are stuck on the same character for such a very long time then chances are they'll get bored or there's lesser opportunities for them as actors.And I know that to be a really good actor,you have to be versatile.And you need lots of exposure or experience to prove yourself to fans that you can be anything.Mostly,when actors are leaving a show,they say it's for better opportunities.Even Jennifer Aniston and the whole cast of FRIENDS said there were moments that they wish it's about time to end the show no matter how popular and well received they were for other acting opportunities. When Marian Aguilera decided to leave LHDP,it was on it's popularity peak.The writers don't probably know how to end her story so they ended killing her character.Always the answer when an actor is leaving the show.And fans were really so angry of how the story ended.And I'm one of them. It's really crazy because I'm fully aware that none of it is true and that I should not be so attached to it but because the actors are so great ,for some reason I feel like I'm in the story. I'veI've got hooked to it only to be ruined in the end.As a fan,I feel like the writers owe me a lot when in fact,they don't owe anyone an apology because it is their story to tell,not mine.And I don't know how I can just balance what I feel.I'm fully aware that what LS and MA are doing is probably the smartest thing.They said they became very close friends but they didn't make any public appearance together after the show to probably distance themselves from their Pepa and Silvia image as lovers.And I know it would be too hard to move on when fans recognize them based on their LHDP characters. I'm really sorry if I can't still move on.If I'm being illogical.You can't blame me.I got addicted so I need a cure for this first.I still don't know what can cure me and when can I get better but for now,they are still San Antonio's hottest lesbian couple,still infected with PepaSilvacious sickness.Snif,snif,snif... PEPA,My Life & Hero (from Sylvia's POV) You're the craziest person I have ever met ,yet the bravest one.A real badass who can easily lose her temper but the sweetest lover of all.You live like it is the last day of your life when we were together.Where do I even start? Shall I start with what happened years ago when you kissed me in front of almost 200 guess during our nephew's baptism? Or shall I start with the years of wonderment where have you been after that.Will we still see each other? Or how are you doing so far? Or shall I start telling you what I really feel about you. Well,let me start by saying at least you're honest and brave.You were honest about what you feel for me.You were even brave to stand up and leave the family to learn to accept you.One thing I have to admit,you were my first kiss and I love it.They were right,first kiss were that memorable and it really lingers.When you kissed me,it goes straight into my heart and I carry that magical feeling for such a long time until you showed up again. I too have been with almost 5 or 6 men in my life but I don't know why it never went well.Either they cheat on me or I leave them because it never felt right.Then you showed up.The moment I saw you,all those feelings rise into heights and I got scared.It can't be and I don't want to face it or even entertain it.What I know is I'm so glad you came back and being with you felt just right for me although my father seemed to be the only one who still can't accept and forgive you.Seeing you makes me cry and jump out of joy.That intense feeling is beyond explanation.All I wanted is to be near you every time. when you told me,you have no reason to stay here and wanted to go back to Sevilla,it broke me.It pained me so I have to think of a way to keep you here.I broke all the street lights just so I can bring you out for star gazing.I know I'm not that vocal and strong in expressing my feelings but the thought of seeing you leaving again scared me.I have to gather my strength to tell you to stay because I wanted you to.You don't have any idea how desperate I am to keep you.I finally told you one reason to stay and seeing you smile at me,said it all.I wanted so much to hug and kiss you right away but I controlled myself.You were so beautiful and warm and I wanted you so much.I don't want to rush things because thinking of it scared me. You were so understanding when I ask you to be patient with me so we can figure this out together.You even volunteered to help me and teach me as I don't know how things work.You did pull a lot of crazy stunts just for me.Some scared me to death,some made me laugh hard,some made me angry but everything you did points to one truth-how much you love me.But of all the crazy stunts you did,I think the most memorable was the first time we made love some where.Everything was going crazy. Paco,Lucas and Sarah was in deep shit and we have to do something to help them but you have the guts to pretend you were going to an operation just to celebrate our two month anniversary.Of course,at first I got angry for how could you be insensitive.Then I realize my mistake.You still think of cheering me up when the whole precinct is in deep shit.I realized that as long as we work here,this mess will never end.How romantic of you.I agree I'm workaholic.But you,who's such a crazy but romantic girlfriend,pull a stunt again just to have time with me.And as usual,my father caught us.And for the first time,I got the strength to stand up and defend you in front of my father because I do love you more than you'll ever know.It was one hellish moment we did there when I heard my fathers voice but of all things,the first thing I ever thought is to protect you.Then that cleared everything.After all those years,I realized that there's only one person that I need to confront ,my father.When I did it,I feel like every thorn in my body was removed.I feel free and happy and independent! I don't have any fear anymore of being caught.I don't have any fear of hugging and kissing you in public.I don't have any fear inside me whether this is the relationship I want.It just felt so damn right,and I was the happiest person that day moving forward. We just met and others might think it was so fast,but I don't want to wait that long.We knew each other since we were kids.So what else is there to know and wait for.We had our best times together.I loved it how you spend your time with me like there's no tomorrow.We had our happiest moments.We have our fights.We had our arguments,but it bonds us all the more. Remember the day my father asked you to patrol and I went with you? There's so much emotions there.But that night was memorable because you lose your temper over two stupid maniacs.I was angry because you could have blown our mission as under cover.But the truth is,I was so concerned of what might possibly happen to you.I went home thinking about it and I can't help but laugh how you pull that guy with his ass showing off.I can't help but laugh really hard but I'm so proud how much you stood up just to protect me.It was such a sweet moment. I also hurt you when I told you not to touch me in front of a crowd.I know you were hurt.I came to apologize but I didn't expect your reaction.As always,You were always that crazy Pepa and you got me when you stood up announcing everyone that I am your girlfriend,even to your brother Paco.I was surprised but beautifully surprised! Again,you have such guts that I admire! I can't hate you for it,despite the chaos going on in our family and here in San Antonio,you taught me to still live my own life outside work because crimes will never stop.And I owe that from you.You were actually right,I spent my life like a selfless super hero trying my best to solve everything but my own- I'm helpless.And when you came,that's one thing you thought me.No matter how chaotic the world is.No matter how crazy the situation around us,we've got to enjoy our own lives still.For the world doesn't revolve around us.We are the once revolving around the world so we have the power to change everything that's going on at least in our lives. We had our major fight about having kids and I wasn't aware that you don't want it.But you humiliate me in front of everybody else by announcing everyone what we plan on doing when you were ranting it to your brother not even aware that we are using a centralized mic.But you know what,come to think of it,It was a hilarious chapter in our lives because you went into so much trouble just to win me back.Since when did you get affected that much? Knowing you had so much fling.I mean it's easy for you to hook up and forget, but these troubles? You must have love me much that you almost lose your head.You were right when you said once,because you did got punched on the face because of love! I was kinda scared you'll destroy your life.But well,you are Pepa and you don't easily give up specially if you know that it's worth it.You did everything.We were suddenly like kids pulling tantrums at work.I can't even believe how we involved attorneys and judges just so we can talk.You were crazy there,you know that! And because of the stunts you pulled,you got Curtis into believing you were in love with him.Or should I say,is it a coincidence that of all the things you tried,we get back together because of Curtis-we feel sorry for having him as our props in our fight. You know what Pepa,you don't have to do that because no matter what I said,I'm lying.Deep inside I don't want you to leave me alone.Every night I cry myself to sleep.Despite your being badass ,there was a tender and loving heart within you.You were actually a very passionate and loving person.You keep Curtis alive.You numb him with love I guess what made him alive after a deep coma was the hope he was holding on to get back to you.Poor Curtis,we got him involve and know it's even harder to break his heart.But you didn't play him for you love him too,not just the same way you loved me. Seeing you sleep on that couch overwhelms me.I can't help it.Next thing I know,I was watching you sleep and was touching your face.The lovely face I miss to see every morning when I wake up.And no talk was involve.Just a feeling.The moment you open your eyes and you smiled at me,everything said it all.We kissed,we make up.It's enough. And you surprised me again.This time,the most passionate surprise you ever pulled on the parking lot.I guess you missed me too just as I did miss you so much.The touch,the feel of your breath on my back,your murmurs.I wanted so much to tell you how sorry and stupid I was and non if it matters anymore as long as I get you back.But the way you held me there said it all.You simply don't want to talk,and God knows I want the same thing.Do we miss each other out of pleasure? I don't think so.I miss you because you are part of me.Like I feel incomplete without you.Aside from being use to hearing your laughter to dealing with your craziness and having to enjoy your crazy surprises,I simply miss us.How we just stare and wink at each other and you know,we understood each other by just those gestures. And so,despite the chaos going on,I can't wait any longer so I wanted to marry you.Did I took you by surprise when I propose? Maybe yes,but you seemed ready for it.I know you don't have much to fear in life but when it comes to commitment,you do.So when I ask your hand for marriage,it seemed like you have already considered it.When you said yes,it was like my heart was frozen and for a moment,I died and went to heaven. You know,I'm so much overwhelmed right now and I can talk about how I feel for you forever.But I guess,you knew it because you can feel it from a distance or even from that so called "meaningless" kiss we shared years ago. I suppose this is a clear explanation as to why all my previous relationships didn't work.It seems that my heart was preserved for you all along,my real lover,my hero forever. There's no certainty in life as they say.Today we might live like we are the only the people existing.Or today,we might feel like we can live forever but tomorrow,one must to leave.Everything on earth is temporary and specially with the nature of our job,it entails danger every single day.But as long as we have today,and I have you I don't have any fears or worries.For beside me is the bravest woman that I'm going to marry-and she'll be mine. The sight of you waiting for me on our wedding day is too much to comprehend.You were more beautiful than ever.Your smile is as bright as the afternoon sun and still,I was nervous as a result of overwhelmed.I know my soon to be wife is waiting for me,if only I can run trough the isle just to reach you faster.But I have to march.I have to deal with this prolonged agony. But sadly,just like what I said,nothing is permanent in this world.After such wonderful and magical moment,I can't believe but my time is up and I have to go.I know it's so unfair with you but my life is borrowed and you have to deal with that.How I wish I can hung on.How I wish I can stay at least for one day but I didn't make it.I'm so sorry. I want you to be strong and free from revenge.I want you to remember our moments to keep you going and not to keep you bitter.I want you to understand that we don't own our lives but it is borrowed.I want you to still live your life just as you did when we separated years ago.Maybe the best is yet to come.As for me,I'll still be your red head,your princess and now your angel.I'll keep watch over you.Because from a distance,this angel of yours is smiling,happily watching you.Still so in love with you.So please don't do something stupid,I won't be there anymore to laugh at it after the shock.It hurts I know for you can still feel the pain.It hurts for you need to adjust and you need more time.But knowing you,the strongest and bravest woman,you will be fine someday. Just be around you.I love you my Pepa,my hero and the bravest woman who fought hard to win my heart.Mot of all, I want you to still enjoy your life.Don't deprive yourself from happiness because of me.Just continue what you were called to do.San Antonio still needs you.Maybe,you were left for a greater purpose.They put their hopes in you,don't turn your back on them. I have three words for you.I love you! Good bye my bravest heroine.Till we meet again! YEARS PAST & YET.... My dear Princesa, (Pepa's POV) It's Christmas and I don't have any desire of spending it with our family in San Antonio.I took a long vacation so I can compose myself.I came all the way here in Italy.I came hoping that I can ease the pain from what happened in San Antonio.But every time I close my eyes,I dream of you.Every time I lay my head on my pillow,I miss you.I'm use to us cuddling in bed.I hug my pillow and all I can smell is your scent.I miss the feel of your skin against me.I miss the fragrance of your hair .Like everything reminds me of you and at times I can't take it anymore. I don't even know what I feel now.I cry myself to bed every night and wake up each morning full of anger with the man who killed you.Maybe I'm here not to heal but to pay my revenge.I have spent my days searching him secretly.Because I can't ever forgive him for what he'd done.God Silvia,I killed him.I put a bullet on his forehead.I killed him in deep rage.For once,when I saw his face,every memory that we have flashes and next thing I know I killed him. How could I ever live with the fact that he took my Princess away right on my wedding day.We are just starting and we are supposed to be on honeymoon.And today,could have been the first Christmas together.I'm sorry Princess for I'm like a broken tape rewinding what happened.The more I think about it,the more I'm missing you and how I wish he could have killed me along with you.For what's the use of living when your life was taken away.Maybe it would be easier that way.I know our job entails danger everyday and we should be ready for it.But not this quick.That's the reason why when ever we have time together,I spend the day like it's my last day on earth because I don't want to waste those moments. My Princess,my redhead tell me if I've gone insane already.Damn it! I have been into a lot of relationships.I have never been this committed and affected.In fact,I don't have any fear in my whole life except commitment.But when you pop that question if I want to marry you at the worst time like everything around us is in chaos,I was the happiest person in the whole world.It's crazy because some of our family members were in great danger and yet you choose to propose because you don't want to wait that long,well seems my Princess got braver.I didn't have any doubt at all because for the first time,I can picture myself waking up with you every morning.I can picture us eating breakfast together or you bringing me a coffee in the morning.Or a medicine after a hung over.I can picture us partying in the evening when ever it's possible.I can picture having a baby with you,I don't fear it anymore.And yet,everything turned blue and gray.It's like being on a a race on full speed but all of a sudden ,something went wrong and the car hit the wall and everything collapse,shattered and broken. I remember the day when you told me that I was your first kiss,well you don't have any idea how it feels for me! I remember leaving town because that kiss was scandalous to our family.And years later,I find myself coming back to you,and that scandalous kiss pretty said it all.It meant everything.It means that our family has to deal with that.They have to accept us for what ever we decide.The only difference now when I got back is we are already adults working with cars and credit cards. My Princess,I have endured those years far away from you because I know someday I'll get back to you as the same woman who kissed you when we were teens.Nothing's changed,not even how I feel for you.I have drowned myself to meaningless relationships to both chicos and chicas.I know this is uncool for it made me like a police slut and I'm not proud of it.I know I don't deserve you for I have not kept myself pure.I have let them violate me and I feel utterly sorry for the stunts I pulled there but you know me.I'm always the crazy Pepa you ever know who will do everything.I even got a punch in the face in the name of love.They might have violated my body but never my heart. Remember the first time we see each other on the firing range.Our eyes met,you looked me like you were the happiest person in the whole wide world.My heart beats fast and when you asked for a hug,the feeling is I don't know.I don't want to end that moment but as usual,your father showed up.We never really have an exclusive time without being interrupted .I hate it too! But non of that matters.Somehow,it gets exciting because we were like teenagers again sneaking out just to do our thing. We did it in your lab,in the bathroom and in your car.I bet its a turn on for you eh? At least those memories makes me smile and be happy from time to time.When I need to patrol alone,you always make sure you're there with me.You have so much stuff in your hands and yet,you can do everything and anything for me.I'm so lucky for having you as my Princess,my very precious redhead who brought me snacks or lunch when I got so occupied at work. I love how we sometimes talk through eye contact.I love how your eyes blink fast if you're excited or if you're bothered.I love your smile specially when I open my eyes in the morning I feel like an angel was there sleeping beside me.With such angelic face and a killer smile,I wanted to stay in bed forever and just stare at you,cuddle you and kiss you over and over again.People might be wondering if making love with you is pleasurable as it's not natural but huh,what do they know.It was the best feeling in the world.I slept with different kinds of people both chicos an chicas but I never experienced such intense feeling when ever we made love.Forgive me,I don't mean to compare you with them but what I'm just trying to say is the excitement and the feeling is beyond words.It was unique and it never happened before to me. And now,those euphoric moments where gone.It's like someone entered my heart and stole you away from me including my feelings.I'm trying to get back on my feet.I'm trying to live my life and be less sober.Thankfully I got preoccupied at work but at the end of the day,I think of you.I don't think I can ever shake you out of my system for you're part of me.I love you my Princess,I miss you. PART 2 (after a few months,I cannot moved on from this Pepsindrome so I ended writing again) YOU TOOK MY HEART ALONG WITH YOU Looking back,it's been years that I have been agonizing over your death.People keep asking me,how I'm doing and how's life.Like the hell they care.I's called being human.Starting a conversation like that because people don't want to be rude.It's not that they really care,it's just that they want to make a good impression on me by pretending they genuinely care for me.Well,unless they are my secret lovers,genuine friends and family. But even if I spend the whole day talking about how I'm feeling,can they really understand me? Can they really relate to the pain I feel right now?Some would say,they can understand me since they also experienced certain deaths or permanent separation from their love ones.Yes,they may be able to identify the feeling of grieving but they can't identify the level of emotional turmoil I've gone through.They have no idea because they didn't see and feel what I have for you.They have no idea how it feels to wake up each morning with tears instead of a smile because I was used to seeing your lovely face the moment I open my eyes.They don't have any idea how much painful it is when I stare at an empty bed missing those nights when I stay awake in the dark just watching you sleep.They don't have any idea how much torture I feel when I smell your perfume every time I open our dresser or use our favorite towel.They don't have any idea what it feels at night when I ended hugging a pillow soak with my tears instead of you. When I go to work,I can sense the level of sensitivity and consideration they were giving me.Some faces are even easy to read.It's like they were saying ."Poor woman" she looks like shit.They pretend to cheer me up.They try telling me that someday I'll be okay and might meet somebody to ease the pain.I honestly can't understand what's with the rubbish talk because it's been years but how come I'm missing you like you just died on my arms yesterday.Maybe,they failed to realize I'm such a romantic fool.Or maybe,the most stubborn person who's not willing to let go.Or maybe,the most impulsive woman who will just not accept the reality.Shit,my Princess...I'm such a mess! When you died,you took my heart along with you.I was like a living zombie.How many times have I got myself into trouble not minding what might happen to me because there's nothing to look forward.I mean,I was fearless even before I met you.But the one thing that I feared the most in life came it felt like there's non of it matters anymore. Like when I go on a mission,I'm so use to having you with me.Or let's say,I'm more inspired to come to work everyday because I know my redhead is on the same vicinity. How come I'm still tortured? Was I just missing you or am I just being selfish here? I did stupid things like went for a random one night stand with even my friends hoping that I can get myself preoccupied as I needed a hug badly but it got worse as opposed to what I hoped for.Maybe,this is what being one means when one decides to take the marriage vows.We become one.Our heart beating as one.One breath.One life.No one can set us apart,only death.But even in your death,I feel like our souls are intertwined. I.I can feel you.I can smell you.I keep thinking of you.At times It felt like you were just behind me,hugging me,encouraging me to move on and keep going. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy.Remember how you use to tease me of numbing someone with love? You didn't just numb me of love.You filled me with everything you have and in return,I gave you all of mine starting the day I kissed you.All of me.My soul,my heart and spirit.SO how can I answer them every time they asked me of you? I can pull a happy face there,yeah like you know me.I'm good in doing that .But you know how much it pained me inside.It's like being pinned with thousand needles all at the same time. When I see happy couple,kissing,cuddling or simply giggling -they remind me of you.Reminds me of the time we spent together.The time we sneak out like 15 year old again so that your father won't catch us.I remember you when I go for a drink in our favorite bar.it reminds me of those moments we spent when work is tiring and all we need is a good shot of Tequila and I'll be so drunk and will talk too much like I am a super hero who can do everything for you.I dreaded the morning after sickness though. Or when I pass by the lab,I remember you the most because I'm use to peeking on the door every time I pass.Damn it,Silvia.I feel helpless and shattered for the first time.Never did I imagine that the only person I love truly in my life has the power to break me.I'm like living on your shadow and at times it felt like nothing is there anymore.I apologized but I don't know anymore what to think or feel or say. My red head,my princess it's been a year but still I can't seem to move on.I'm missing you badly my red head.
1 Comment
bozheflow
3/15/2017 09:44:20 pm
beautiful,how can you writing such thing,i really love pepsi couple and crying because the ending :(
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