THE SEARCH FOR SELF CONTROL Attitude is everything! YOUR THOUGHTS CREATES YOUR EMOTIONS ! and almost everyone prayerfully and thoughtfully set goals for ourselves but then we fall over and over again into the same routines and patterns of behavior that keep us right where we've always been-where we don't want to be.Experience has proven over and over that the good intentions and the best goal setting skills simply aren't enough ATTITUDE is one thing that seems to make the difference between those who succeed and those who fail.Perhaps it is because our own attitude are so much a part of us that we really can't identify them or if and when we recognize a problem with our attitude it just frustrates us because we don't know how to change it. I AM WHAT I THINK: SELF TALK
1) our thoughts create our emotions
2) OUR THOUGHTS AFFECT OUR BEHAVIOR
3) Our perceived center of Control Affects our Behavior
4) WE THINK IRRATIONALLY
5) WE CREATE CHANGE IN OUR LIVES BY GAINING CONTROL OF OUR THOUGHTS
WORDS RELEASE FAITH Faith is a process of life.No one is faithless.It is not a question weather we posses faith or not.It is rather a question where we place our faith.And our thoughts are the best barometers of the object of our faith.Faith is a process that works in releasing life-changing power either positive or negative direction.Great power is released by our thoughts and our words.The writer is saying that in our words and thoughts,we have the ability to speak life to ourselves in the same way that we can speak death to ourselves with the growing acceptance of the fact that between 75 and 90 percent of all illnesses are caused by the body's response to stress. WHAT SHAPES OUR SELF TALK The gaps in my experiences either of action taken or not taken during my growing years are my experiences,and that is what makes my struggles uniquely mine.Moreover,there are often events in the life of the family that bring to the fore front the inadequacies or limitations of parents. Boundaries define the physical and emotional space between people.They are what allow me to be me and you to be you.it is there that we are supposed to learn what it means to be individual-to be separated and different from everyone else in the world.Everything belongs to everyone which results in nothing really belonging to anyone,Both of these boundary issues either having fuzzy and rigid boundaries,deeply affecting our understanding and beliefs about everything in our lives-our perception of others,of ourselves,of the world and even God.These boundary patterns are often seen consistently over several generations and are difficult to change.other examples of boundary issues that directly affects our self talk include physical or sexual abuse,persistent violation of children's privacy ,parents individually or together confiding in children things that are meant only for the parents and other behaviors that confuse the natural bookbinderies between generations.Studies show that if we grow up in families with boundary problems,we will experience with increased intensity a number of anxiety based physical symptoms.These physical symptoms can show up in childhood but are more likely to show in our adulthood.An experience of feeling rejected is one of the most expensive sources of our self talk.When there is an experience of chronic rejection,the devastation and effects are profound deep.Our self talk will reflect that the rejection and be filled with shameful feelings about our selves.NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK BACK AT EXPERIENCES OF ABUSE,IT WILL ALWAYS END UP AS REJECTION.We know that abused children crave attention so much that they will take the abuse because they are at least getting some kind of attention that is based on rejection.Sometimes rejection and favoritism are part of the generational patterns within the family. We realized how easy it is to speak about change and how nearly impossible to actually do it. Many of us can remember traumatic event when we feared for ourselves or for someone we loved.We may have developed fear-based ways of thinking and behaving that arose out of one or more traumatic events in our lives.This left us feeling vulnerable and anxious,and it increased the impact of these traumatic events in shaping our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and our safety in the world. DISTORTED BELIEFS OF PARENTS For many of us,anger was forbidden in children but permitted in adults.If we got angry as a child,we were punished and sent to our room until we could "act normal" but our parents could be angry all the time! What we saw in the behavior of our parents in particular was completely at odds with what they said to us.Our purpose in looking at the experiences we had with in our family of origin is to show that patterns of behavior and thought deeply influence the development of the basic belief we have for ourselves,about others,about the world,about God and about the nature of relationship s.We become stuck in self defeating patterns of thinking and talking because of the distortions we hold into.We do it through inner dialogue with ourselves-our self. Talk. And we are usually drawn toward other people who will not challenge our thought distortions,which serves only to reinforce than to make them more difficult to challenge and change. Not all distortions are stated in the negative.Sometimes we distort our our self perceptions by accentuating a positive that isn't really a positive. IMPORTANCE OF KNOWING
ANGER There are over 450 places in the old testament where the word 'anger' is used. Over 75% of these references relate to God's anger.Be angry but do not sin.Anger feels good for it is a genuine human emotion but the results of our being angry often throw us into the same confusion we experienced earlier when we thought that all anger is wrong.It was identified by some researchers in Harvard University that buried emotions of anger and fear as the most important stress factors in physical illness. Keeping anger in the unconscious may work for a short period of time,but eventually anger seems to fester and explode when we least expect it.This has led theorists to encourage us to become aware of our anger and get it out on the table before it can explode. RESERVOIR THEORY This approach maintains that when we repress an emotion like anger,it is stored up in some huge reservoir. Unless we find way to let out our anger,it will grow to enormous proportions,seeping or bursting out the reservoir of the unconscious at the most inappropriate time,ruining some important relationship Only our own thoughts -our self talk -can create within us the emotion of anger.Since we make the choices about what we think,we are the ones who make the choice to be angry.The way to do that is to look at the B-your beliefs systems. the basic cause of anger is how we set our self talk.That word is 'SHOULD'.Every time you feel frustration or hurt that leads to anger,you can connect your anger to the shoulds in your self talk.the should always reflect a demand that you are making on another person or on life and the world. GET RID OF DEMANDS the key to diffusing your anger is to identify these demands and change them into DESIRES OR WANTS.Sometimes,majority of the things that makes us angry is the result of the demands we make on others.So instead of demanding,why not convert it to desire and want. The only way to resolve anger is to argue with the demands and change them into wants or desires.Argue against the shoulds. Argue against any type of demands on others or on life itself. DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT IS FAIR IN LIFE; NO ONE EVER SAID THAT LIFE IS FAIR.IF LIFE IS FAIR,THEN WHY DO WE SI AROUND AND GET ANGRY WITH THE UNFAIRNESS AND INJUSTICES IN LIFE? Our anger only serves to paralyze us into inactivity or overwhelm us into saying or doing something that leads to hurt.whenever we are angry about something with anyone,our shoulds are usually redirected to the past.Can your demands on that person change the fact that he has already acted that way? What is past is past.It can't be changed. You can't enforce the demands you are making on another person about his future behavior.The result is that you are controlled by your own helplessness.If you try to enforce your demands on the other person,you will encounter resistance.It seems to be human nature to resist the shoulds in life.We not only resists the ones placed on us by other people,we even resist the shoulds we place on our selves.When we feel frustrated,sad or hurt,you are still able to temper those feelings with compassion.And you are still able to act responsibly in the situation even turn it into something constructive. Remember,anger is part of being human.It is basic and necessary emotion.Anger is like one of the warning lights on the dashboard of your car that says something isn't right.It demands your attention.If you ignore it,you're asking for all kinds of trouble.If you panic and is overwhelmed by that light,you can often complicate the problem.Instead you can pay attention to the light and fix what is causing the light go on.You fix anger by looking for the shoulds,arguing against those shoulds and demands and changing them into wants and desires.Then you are able to be angry and not sin. DISTORTED SELF TALK-LEADING TO DEPRESSION 1) ARBITRARY INFERENCE
3) OVERGENERALIZATION
4) MAGNIFICATION AND MINIMIZATION.
5) PERSONALIZATION
6) ABSOLUTISTIC,DICHOTOMOUS THINKING.
We should minimize everything else and put them into right perspective.When we look to our past,we see only our failures and things that makes us guilty.when we look our future,we see only emptiness and hopelessness. BREAKING DEPRESSION WITH SELF TALK 1) Do something,no matter how small a step it is.Do anything! Well,almost anything.It is the willful choice to act that breaks through our sense of helplessness. 2) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
3) CHALLENGE DISTORTIONS IN YOUR SELF TALK 4) REFOCUS
5) LIMIT THE DEPRESSIVE SYMPTOMS
6) BREAK THE PATTERN ISOLATION
GUILT is often attached to feelings of anger and depression and always relates to the past.We can't feel guilty about the future. We can't separate past event from our experience-it all stays there.So instead we try to reshape our memory of that event so that we come looking better. Some guilt is valid.Obviously,when we have done something that is clearly wrong,the guilt we feel is correct and serves to push us to correct the wrong. It is knowing what he wants to do but doesn't do it.And he knows what not to do but finds yourself doing it.And the more you try to change,the guiltier you feel.No wonder,you will end up depressed.Our guilt will makes us angry with ourselves and that is one major cause of depression. Destroy the should,the hopeless standards,the small sharp tones.In their place,put forgiveness,for only forgiveness can cancel out the debt of guilt and anger. WORRY AND ANXIETY Someone defined worry as 'stewing without doing' .That's good definition because there is really nothing you can do about your worries since they are oriented to the future.and besides,almost everything we worry about is uncontrollable or at least improbable. When we worry,we are strangling or choking our emotions blocking any flow of relative energy potential in our lives.Anxiety is similar to worry,except that anxiety does not have specific object.One of difficulties we have with many of our worries is separating worry from genuine concern.We often defend our tendency to worry as being form of caring.Concern can be defined as a feeling that motivates us to action.Worry,on the other hand,paralyzes us.Concern focuses on controllable behavior and events.Worry focuses on events and behavior that are beyond our control.Of course,it is just impossible for us to control the future as it is to reshape the past.Worry can also lead to self deception. The key to breaking and paralyzing cycle of worry and anxiety is to find something solid in which to trust. The obvious answer is that no one can.But we could go on with that answer and say that instead,we are really subtracting time from our lives with worry and anxiety.We are cutting life shorter rather than adding to it.Sometimes we have to trace our worries and anxieties back to a major belief system.We may need help with this for often the belief systems connected to our worries are operating on implicit level. STRESS is defined as any event or circumstances in life that requires a person to adapt change. In order to survive stressors in life,you have to have a healthy self talk.Our mental pictures are a part of our self talk and have great potential for changing us.Our stress and negative self talk are often crystallized by mental images we create in our imagination.Therefore,seeing ourselves coping or changing can help us make behavior a reality. PASSIVENESS These are just a few examples of what becomes a way of life for many people.In their passive approach to people and events,they end up violating their own rights by failing to face their honest feelings and thoughts.By being apologetic and self effacing,they have allowed other people to violate them.In the process,passive people soon loose any sense of self-respect-or they create boiling cauldron of anger and resentment within that's just waiting to explode. AGGRESSIVENESS
ASSERTIVENESS
WHEN you are living assertively,you are motivated and inspired to action because you feel good baout yourself and about life.You are living in the cans of life. SELF CONTROL SELF TALK Remember,we do not create self talk.we simply recognize it as it is already there.The challenge is how we change the patterns of our self talk and point ourselves in the direction of positive growth. Changing the pattern of thinking requires hard work.This however may feel uncomfortable at first but once you get into habbit of guarding your thoughts and your words,it becomes a way of life. APPLICATION AND SUMMARY *I CAN resolve my anger by identifying the demands I am making on others,on God,on life.Then I can change my slef talk by chnging these demands into wants,wishes and desires. * I CAN reklieve guilt by examining areas of my life where I struggle with guilt.Then I can erase that guilt by focusing my self talk on forgiveness * I CAN be free from depression by identifying the demands I am making on myself.Then,through my Self-talk,I can change these demands into wants.wishes and desires *I CAN eliminate worry and anxiety by looking for the demands I am plaicng on the future.I focus my self talk on the trustworthiness of God-the only one who controls the future. * I CAN face the fears in my life by moving boldly against those fears,challenging them in my self talk.then I replace those fears with affirmations of courage and faith. * I CAN turn stress into a source of strength through self talk.I use the stress to my advantage by focusing my thoughts on God's ability and strength made available to me. * I CAN live assertively by releasing the emotion of love in my relationships.I remove the potential emotions of anger adn fear through captuirng my thoughts then focusing my self talk on love
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