Mom: “We’re not sentimental people,We’d leave you at an orphanage with a note pinned to your pajamas.” (cute parents aye) QUOTABLE“Sometimes people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them.But you keep the promise anyway. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway...if true love did exist, that was a pretty good definition of it. REFLECTIONThe story is very long and predictable.It's too painful to read it in one sitting that I actually have to stop from time to time.But thanks to the author who tried to bring awareness through fiction with the hope that there might be people out there who are also under the same circumstance ,who wanted to meet or read something that some how speak for them.I'm not sure though how it feels to be on therapy or I don't have any idea how it feels to be on the process of dying.Like you are aware that your death is nearly approaching and that you're counting your days.Or I don't know how it feels to see someone you love on therapy without any assurance at all if they heal or they eventually die sooner.And you wanted so much to be strong just for them.You wanted to treat them normally so they won't feel it much but you know that before you close your eyes at night,you cried a lot because it's too painful to be both,the supporter and the comforter.Or I don't know how it feels to pretend you're okay so that your love ones will not worry much about you.Well,I don't know much about it but here are my reflections on some aspects.
ON PAIN.How can you try not to be pained by the fact that you're sick and your parents are penniless because of your expensive therapy.Your mom has to quit her job and you wanted to do something extra ordinary but don't know how without getting them worried.What ever you do,you get them emotionally and financially worried to hell.How can you convince them to stop being so obsessed about you and live their own lives instead.In moments like this,It's better to just die if thats what you're waiting for than to live and carry all the guilt and burdens of putting your love ones in extreme pain because it's how they love you and you can't do anything in return.People will treat you differently.Someone weak.Someone that needed to be treated gently.Your parents will do everything they can to give you what ever you desire or request even if how much stupid as it seems just to make you happy.People may have to pretend they worry and care about you out of consideration.It really sucks.If I were a cancer patient with no certainty if I ever live longer,I would secretly just inject myself with high dossage of sleeping pills so I will die in my sleep.Perfect death picture for me. ROUTINE LEADING TO BOREDOM & DEPRESSION. Why does food serve on each meal labelled accordingly? Why are breakfast food served only during breakfast and eating them on dinner or lunch seemed like a crime? Like bacon and egg are forever stuck on the breakfast list.Or in Pinoy meals, tuyo,pandesal,itlog na maalat and kape are exclusively for breakfast?It's not bad actually to have your breakfast food served on a dinner meal.I have tried it myself because technically my first heavy meal is on the evening since I was always on the nightshift so I don't have to label or categorize my meals into breakfast,lunch and dinner.When I started working in a call center 4 years ago,my sleep pattern was not the only once that's altered.That also includes my meal time.I only know LUNCH.It doesn't matter if it's midnight or dawn or afternoon.It's always lunch because that's how we call it at the office.My shift schedules are different each month and so are my meal breaks.And LUNCH was all I know.It doesn't matter any more what time of the day.As long as I'm hungry,I would eat and call it lunch.So I had experienced having TUYO AND ITLOG NA MAALAT in the evening and I call it lunch.I would often times eat oat meal on midnights and call it lunch.I really don't label my meal time anymore.And it didn't kill me.So why is it that bacon and egg are only served during breakfast? TORTURE.When Hazel travelled all the way to Armsterdam just to ask Van Houten what happened next to his book characters,it wasn't all worth the trouble.The pain of waiting.Wanting.Wondering.Though we can create an ending to any story the way we like,still we need someone else approval or version.I'm tortured by simple things such as TV SERIES on break and the need to wait for 6 months before they resume felt like forever.Or I'm tortured waiting for my FAVE AUTHOR'S next book.I'm tortured wondering what will happen tomorrow or for the next few weeks or months or years.Or what if I got sick,got crippled.Etc.I guess it's part of being human.Individually,we are tortured by certain things that sometimes doesn't make sense.Torture.Part of being human. FRIENDS.You get all these friends just when you don’t need friends anymore.It's true.During funerals,friend would say good things about the dead person.Things that they never said when that person was still alive.They try to be nicer.Friends would vary from those who are trying to be nice because you're dying and those who are trying to show how much they love you.I believe most would probably will not understand you at all.This reminds me of Rachel,my close friend in college.I know she was sick and I was very sure she'll heal in time.And we didn't talk much.All I receive next was a text telling me she died.It was so painful.I feel hurt but same time betrayed.I don't have any reason at all to demand because my pain is nothing as compared to my grief.But I could have atleast visit her once.That taught me a lesson.She probably don't want me to treat her differently.She don't want to see my sadness seeing her sick or anything.But still,I can say it's one of the worse feeling I have ever felt.They say IGNORANCE is a bliss but in this specific case,it isn't a bliss.I prefer her telling me.I prefer her letting me know.Then perhaps we could have a good last laugh about anything.I didn't really say much when I saw her in her coffin.Because what good it is to tell her things that she cannot hear anymore.That's why,when you have to chance to do and say nice and good things.Do it now.Do not put tommorow what you can do today. MEMORIES.One person that was significally mentioned was ANNE FRANK.They madea movie entitled the DIARY OF ANNE FRANK. A teenager who kept journals while in the hiding until the day she died with her mother and sister.Her mother out of starvation.And she's one of those TEENAGER heros.And people today feel sorry for her.I started reading a bit of her life on Wikipedia and it makes me cry.Well,we feel sorry for her.We adore her.We don't know her but we seem to feel for her because of what she's been through during the war.And her life is a reminder of cruelty of the Germans.It's a living shame that is carried on til no one knows when.A hero.I kept thinking,who is my hero? And I realize,I have more than what my fingers can count.My own definition of hero is someone who had done something for me that I can never forget or repay.That when I think of them,there's this happy memory they left me.Though at times,the situation is unpleasant.Something that I would like to banished or erase in my head forever but the memory of those who helped me make it through is simply what I'm grateful about.And so,no matter how painful it is,I don't count it as too much now.I consider them sweet memory because my heroes showed up during such difficult time.And I think of them from time to time.Like Anne who just wrote for the love of writting but have no idea how her diary had inspired people generations after generations.My heros are combination of alive and dead.Some literally died while some I don't have any idea but they are very much alive in my memory.Thinking of them makes me so grateful.Like this girl who died because of the cruelty of war.There were lots of POV's from the stories of war.One of the most inspiring one was Corrie ten Boom.The difference was Corrie survived til the war was over but this girl died living all the morbid memories of war in her diary notebook.Memories.It has the power to either bind us with the past or push us to the future.It depends where we're coming from. DEATH.Some fear it while others wish for it.If you're in pain almost every day of your life then you will gladly wish for it.If you're heart broken ,depressed or bitter,you can ask for it but don't really mean it.But if you're dying physically but alive emotionally,how can you face death? Will you ask for extension to say your goodbyes.Do everything you wish you could have done.Finish all the things on your to do list.Write a book that will inspire others.Join an organization.How will you face death when you're so much alive but it's only your body that's giving up? The thought of it is painful isn't it.Yet,lots of times I wasted my life over something that's stupid.I am well blessed with health and even in life but there were moments that I admit,twice I asked death to fetch me.Twice due to probably BOREDOM.I cannot even tell what caused me to ask for it.I knew I was in deep shit that time but asking and wishing for death is something that's shameful.Reading this book made me realize that my reason for dying is the lamest thing on the record of death history reasons.There were people trying so hard to live despite the pain of being aware that they will die eventually not longer.But still,they live to the last minute of their time on earth.There were people who at their worst tried to be strong for the sake of those they love,trying to be happy as they can even if they knew it hurts so much.Shame on me who can easily lose my temper because of a missing book or notepad or ballpen.This book made me realized how shameful my thoughts and actions were. Survivors.Fighters.Lovers.Pretenders.We can be any of those.I believe it's not a fault in our stars.It's a fault on us if we choose to die without trying to live.And by death,I don't refer only to the physical death.I'm refering to lots of living zombies like me.That's why my mantra is "Carpe Diem",to seize the day and live.I think dying while you're alive is the worse feeling in the world.It's a direct insult to your creator and to life itself. Reading this book requires much tissue as you might cry like a flowing river if your emotional like me.You have to invest lots of courage emotionally.It's a spoiler.It's beautiful sadness,deliciously aweful and ridiculously challenging :) "I was living with cancer not dying of it, that I mustn’t let it kill me before it kills me" -Hazel SLANG WORDS OR EXPRESSION *Hazelverse (universe of Hazel) *Some of the boys have become downright edible (in short desirable and became good looking) *sophisticated twenty-five-year-old British socialite stuck inside a sixteen-year-old body *Are you alright? instead of saying fine you can say "I'm grand" VOCABS *Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is an anxiety disorder that causes sufferers to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance and to have a distorted view of how they look. * cannula-a tube that gives oxygen to help someone with difficulty in breathing *nubbins (Noun)-A small lump or residual part. *perpetuity -the condition of an estate limited so that it will not take effect or vest within the period fixed by law -Synonyms -everlasting, foreverness, infinity, eternity *nar·cis·sism noun \ˈnär-sə-ˌsiz-əm\ Definition of NARCISSISM 1: love of or sexual desire for one's own body 2: the state or stage of development in psychoanalytic theory in which there is considerable erotic interest in one's own body and ego and which in abnormal forms persists through fixation or reappears through regression ten·u·ous Synonyms thin - slender - slight - weak - flimsy - delicate - fine NEC meant “no evidence of cancer.” un·prec·e·dent·ed /ˌənˈpresəˌdəntid/Adjective Never done or known before. Synonyms unexampled - unparalleled - unheard-of gra·tu·i·tous /grəˈt(y)o͞oitəs/Adjective 1.Uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted. 2.Given or done free of charge. Synonyms free - gratis - costless - free of charge u·biq·ui·tous /yo͞oˈbikwətəs/Adjective Present, appearing, or found everywhere: "his ubiquitous influence". Synonyms omnipresent i·dyl·lic /īˈdilik/Adjective (esp. of a time or place) Like an idyll; extremely happy, peaceful, or picturesque: "an idyllic setting". Synonyms charmingly simple or rustic Hamartia Tragic flaw
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
March 2015
Categories
All
I LOVE THIS BLOG!
|